i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
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Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
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I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER