I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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