I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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