i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
