i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
