so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
