Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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