"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
