Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We have started to decorate penises.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
