so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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