how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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