I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
