i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
