I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
