Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think i got beer on your cat.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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