It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
