how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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