how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
