I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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