i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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