I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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