does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
