thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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