I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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