Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
