she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
