My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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