Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
