Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
