my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
