we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
