sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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