Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
