i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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