Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
