if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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