This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
