so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
