what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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