I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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