Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
