Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
