So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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