I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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