chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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