Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
