call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
