do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
