I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
