She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
