is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
