The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
