I'm pants shitting drunk right now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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