Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
