I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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