no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
