So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
