but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
