I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
