onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
How's work?
Spinning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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